Hiatus state

random

2006-04-21T02:30:00.000-07:00

Jonathan always asks me whether a movie is rated 18 before he agrees to watch it.

I have less then 6 minutes to finish this entry.

My brain is jammed during calculus, wasted way too much time on one question, screwed the other 3.

bad. of all subjects, a 4 credit course. *sniffffffffffffffffffffffffff*

sometimes I still wonder if I were sweeter/ less independent/ prettier/ less defensive, will people be protective of me?

because I really feel second class everywhere I go, I am tired of fending and fighthing for myself but I know it's the only way to make me less vulnerable in my position and no one else fights for me when I cannot carry on.

Maybe it's my mind set that needs changing.

I feel like crying and I don wanna continue typing, cuz I don wanna burst out in tears in uni's cyber cafe.

ta.

Easter

2006-04-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Easter is today

Sitting in front of the com (like where else can I be?), will be going to church shortly.

*pause*

Not going thro Baptism today, not now.
How can I be so indecisive?
Haven't had the courage to talk to dad about it :(

I'm really tired.
Tired of thinking, of exerting self control, of medidating... of so many things
tired of simply being.

"The road is narrow, but I am with you, you were never alone, never will be alone.
Abandone you, I'll never!"

Your strong arms lifted me up
the same arms that carried the cross
the same strong arms that keeps me safe
the arms that comfort
the arms that was spread out on the cross
to embrace my sin, my punishment.

Eyes where I find compassion
Eyes where I see understanding
In Your gaze I know I am accepted just the way I am.
Because You cried my tears.
You bore my stripes
You loved me like no one ever have.

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Surprise!

2006-04-10T15:27:00.000-07:00

Was what I got when I opened my eyes 5 am to the sound of my alarm clock and read Syen's sms

"forgive me if I wake u.. *shouts n screams* I GOT ACCEPTED TO NUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woooooooooooohooooooooo~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't help but start praising God, so awesome is He.

Was deeply encouraged by the whole incident, to think that from late last yr till now she was having so many set backs in the whole uni thing, but God bought forth such blessing now.

His timing was so perfect, if she was accepted earlier into other unis, NUS would not have happen. Praise God!!

With that God spoke into my heart that as we hang on to Him, to matter how bleak circumstances seems, He will see us thro, He will give us whats best for us. Simply because our Heavenly Father loves us so so much.

It's not something new to me, but the hope regenerated was so awesome, I can't wipe the smile of my face because God has once again made me see how great is His love for us.

Committed faith in God is a faith that is not swayed by the circumstances or personal crisis. Whatever we are facing now can and should never hinder us from reaching God's purpose for us. That really spoke into my life, expecially the things that I am facing now, pain for a purpose to bring forth God's plan for me.

No wonder Paul says to count it pure joy! =)

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Psalm 16
Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

zzz

2006-04-09T04:42:00.000-07:00

Attended water baptism class today in church, Aunt Lee Choo kept on encouraging me to be baptized.
I donno whether now is the right time, but I know it is required.
besides, when is the right time anyway. zzzzzz.

We were told in class that when we undergo water baptism we should feel undiscribable joy, but I felt dread that by doing so, I am further widening the gap with my family.

I really want my family to come to the baptism service, but that seems impossible, I also want my father's consent for this.

Can anybody tell me whether it is normal to not feel happy and excited when preparing towards baptism?

My uncle has been admitted in to ICU, he was stabbed at his shop on friday. Please pray for his recovery and his young family.

Anyways, going back to uni later di, have to really start studying for the finals.

take care people =)
Blessed Easter!

when I was browsing

2006-04-09T03:41:00.001-07:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Suit
Birthday:	1st Dec 1985
Birthplace:	KayELL
Current Location:	Valley of MUD~
Eye Color:	charcoal-greyish
Hair Color:	current: black - blond and brown streaks
Height:	173
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	Chinese
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Heels to church, pain. :P
Your Weakness:	me
Your Fears:	me
Your Perfect Pizza:	erm go light on the tomato? no like sour stuff >.<
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Constantly be in love with Jesus.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	swt
Thoughts First Waking Up:	did I over slept?
Your Best Physical Feature:	speech. is that physical?
Your Bedtime:	anytime :P
Your Most Missed Memory:	Spending time with dad.
Pepsi or Coke:	H20
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McD
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappa
Do you Smoke:	a long time ago
Do you Swear:	a long time ago
Do you Sing:	Love to.
Do you Shower Daily:	if i don't I'll just suffocate in stickyness
Have you Been in Love:	always in love with Jesus.
Do you want to go to College:	In uni now.
Do you want to get Married:	Definately
Do you belive in yourself:	I believe in God. He believes in me. :D
Do you get Motion Sickness:	all the time.
Do you think you are Attractive:	I know I am attractive to God.
Are you a Health Freak:	so NO.
Do you get along with your Parents:	define get along?
Do you like Thunderstorms:	YESSSSS cuz it comes with heavy rain. :P
Do you play an Instrument:	my voice? is it an instrument? XD
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	nadda
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yup
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	of cuz ler.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	ohoho, yesss.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No. I. want. sushi!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no one to dump me also :P
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Ha. haha. In my bathroom.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	errrrrrrrrrr
Ever been Beaten up:	uhhuh
Ever Shoplifted:	yup
How do you want to Die:	With my family celebrating, going to a better place. :)
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I guess I'm all grown up now:P, I wanna be what pleases God.
What country would you most like to Visit:	Africa
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

satur-a-day

2006-04-08T13:37:00.000-07:00

Ears feasting to : Behind these Hazel Eyes - Kelly Clarkson

One fine day I will sing and dance and go crazy under the rain with you! *winks at fellow rain dancers*

Am fully enjoying the weekends before return to UM tomorrow night to prepare for my coming finals.

I still have a lot of decisions to make before the semester ends. Those who are waiting my reply for 'something' come ask me again later next week.

whats a blog for anyway?

Am having a hard time thinking of a title for my 'new' ahem blog, if your eyes are sharp enough. the archives are long gone.

turning into the 2nd year of blogging soon, to those who have been here with me for almost that long, let me say that I am truly blessed and encouraged by your presence, the laughter and tears that we share. Altho we hardly meet. You guys know who you are!!! I thank God for each and everyone of you.

Apart from seeking a direction for this place, God has been opening so many doors for me lately. I am deeply grateful for His grace to use me inspite of my weaknesses and imperfections. but yet when I see the road up ahead I doubt my heart that is still ever feeble, I doubt my strength, I doubt my ability...

"and that is where I can use you to glorify My name."

It's when things are falling apart do I realize the ever pressing need to turn to and trust in Him. It's at these times of hardship that I see God's graciousness and grow to understand that My character is all that He wants to mould and my life, obedience and love is all that He is asking for.

God is concern about what He can do in me, and not what I can do for Him.

Till my musings grace this site again (perasanism on high) take care, and to those facing/ preparing for papers.

Study hard and smart.

With love.

Jia Hui

2006-04-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

is sitting next to me. Click Jia Hui to check her out. Yes this is a free promo.

XD

having the blog itch. Had hockey test today, sometimes I think I have bird's eye vision. Most of the time I hit the grass rather than the ball. *cuts hole in paper bag*

This week is the final week of classes, I name it the semi-study week. most lectures cancelled di.
How much I have studied is another issue all together. :(

Jia Hui just scold me for reading her unfinished blogpost. nyahahhaha.

Nyeh.

Someone's phone just rang LOUDLY in the com lab followed by a loud crash.

I find that terribly funny. teehee.

_____

On a more serious note,

One year have pass (much to my relief, believe it or not). In Uni Malaya.
Reflecting back on the year I would conclude with three words.

Brokeness. Hope. Love.

Brokeness was what I truly felt. Being crushed inside and out. Expecially when God brings me face to face with my self-pride and constant denial of sins.

Yet I choose to push God aside until He had to inflict pain as a warning sign.

I am still learning to come to term with my new life here in campus, with my family and with my church.

It's sad whenever I go home I see my father getting older and older. It breaks my heart to some times not even having the ability to communicate with him properly. Can love go in being unsaid?

Hope is what I have being anchored in God as He continues to guide me, the road might be narrow, yet my trust will be in Him, even at times where I don't feel it. My mind rest in the knowledge of all that He is. My God and Father.

Love is what compels me to follow Him, personally, many times i realise that the even the many blessings we have on earth is tempoprary, and even at times where the comfort is taken away from me. I know that by grace I still have God and He is love. Let that be enough.

___________

A random note that as this is posted. Jia Hui, Syen and I are blogging simultaneously. XD

what?

2006-04-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

Lets see.

It's April.

Whats going on with me?

Lost a couple pf valuable things of late, too many and to taxing to recall here.

Have not been going to church as much as I would have liked, always staying back in uni during weekends, or until saturday, only manage to attend Sunday service (even if it was possible).

The ownership I once felt fot my church is long gone. Mainly because I can't join any of the weekly meetings there, and that i am close to no one in particular? I have not the slightest clue.

Visitted ACTS church last sunday, thanks to Adrian, Olivia and Joy who arranged transport for me (you guys have no idea how desperate I was to go to church that I was actually thinking of just taking the train to a random station and just go for a random service at a random church).

heh.

Met Ps. Kenneth and Ps. Sandra, was encouraged by thier zest, passion and love for God, totally mind blowing. The church radiated with God's love and it was so cool to finally be in the congregation for once, and it was so long since I worshipped with so many people. There is no point in comparing any church, each of us are unique, I just pray that being in uni does not draw me away from my local church.

CF proved to be an encouragement, having people to pray with, pray for and being prayed for, Thank God that I know that they are just there for me, a bunch of people to be with.

The semester is drawing to an end, exams up from 14th Apr to 2nd May. Holidays as usual are fully planned :P

Hope to get a job as a substitude teacher again, (teaching rocks!), might be going to Singapore during the school hols (not too sure yet) Ipoh is another place I wanna go, so is Penang (anyone wanna host me?? :P), hehehehe FOOD! (Uni has so deprived me from good food).

What is definate is that I'll be going to Tanah Rata for T.H.E. (terrific, exciting, happening - cool name?? :P) Camp. Organized by CF mainly to mobilize people to serve in campus the following year.

But the highlight of the hols will definately be PITAS MISSION TRIP!!! from the 5th to 11th July. I'll miss the first 3 days of classes... heh (but for free air fare wor) . I am so excited to go to Pitas again, miss the people there so much. Thier frequent letters, despite my absence for one whole year, has been one of the driving force for me to study now.

I need holidays.

So long since I typed randomly what is on my mind. Uni life have been hectic and dry, God is really disciplining me into maturity, things are getting tougher. Many things seems to be falling apart, and all in all I still have to learn the lesson of living by His strength and Spirit instead of mine.

My hope is anchored in God, I am comforted that whatever i am going through is compulsory for His purpose.

=) take care and blessed Easter!

trying

2006-04-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

to make sense out of non-sense

have been typing and retyping this again and again

stolen gone whatever

words cannot express.

too much too many too long too...

argh

i wish i can just fade away.

Finals

2006-04-02T07:28:00.000-07:00

-Loneliness-
Strikes like a painful chord,
Sitting amidst a crowd but feeling ultimately lonely.
Company does not guarantee companionship.
Listening does not mean understanding.

-Sadness-
The ultimate sadness is the ones that last forever.
Slowly eating you from the inside
Claiming it's place as a part of you.
Nightmares that return right after you thought you have moved on.

-Fear-
paralyzes, the silent scream in the deepest recess
Poisoning every relationship
Marring every intention in the name of self defense
Prohibiting me to love.

-Tears-
Marks my growth
Tells of the scar hidden behind the smile
The insecurity behind the bold confidence
The weariness behind the strong will.

-Final-
The full stop, His hand closes the chapter.
He stop the tears, overcomes fear with love
Taking over sadness, holding on until loneliness fades.
Stripping bare my old self.

“It is finished”

His blood mingles with my tears.
His love muffles my screams and cries.
His grace forgives
His works promises eternity with Him.

Hebrews 6:1
Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not
laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in
God.

Somethings have to go, Lord it's all in Your hands.

Limp

2006-03-29T20:12:00.000-08:00

I met a kitten last weekend.

It's leg was broken.

The poor thing was limping.

Kitten approached me with startling beautiful blue eyes.

As if seeking my attention, it purred and purred.

No longer able to ignore it, I bent down played with it.

The kitten was broken and yet it was so trusting.

It limped, yet hope shone in it's eyes.

A surge of sadness overcame me as I stroke the cat silently, it was as if I was looking into my own past.

I was broken and sought attention, wanting the slightest bit of refuge or peace that I can salvage. But as I grew I understood that no one is truly able to give me that, confusion cloud my jaded senses and disabled my ability to recieve and give love.

The kitten trusted a complete stranger to approach me, it trusted although it was betrayed.

The kitten's eyes pierced my heart, as if telling me that it is possible to trust although the wounds are still there.

Indeed I will trust in my God, my only refuge and hope, although I still limp and carry wounds.

Transparency

2006-03-22T18:49:00.000-08:00

She studied the murky drink in her hand, slowly swaying the glass globlet.

"come with me." He whispered.

She shook her head firmly and continued staring at the glass, as if willing to lose herself inside it.

He sighed and took her hand, she stiffened, not at ease with the sudden touch of intimacy.

Sensing her withdrawing back, He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes.

He knew what He will see, eyes red from crying, yet filled with stubborn determination marred with intense hurt.

A tear slid down her cheek as she tried to look away but His warm yet firm gaze held her.

Just like the way He held her all her young life, lovingly, unrelentlessly, compassionately.

"You can never do anything to make Me stop calling you mine," He choked out "come back."

"I don't deserve it." She hung her head.

"I say you do. Come." He persisted.

"I cannot allow myself." shame and guilt coated her voice.

"Why have you chosen sadness when I want to give you hope and joy?" His words struck a painful chord within her, His scarred face showed the sadness that was also hers.

Stunned, She dropped the goblet, sending pieces of glasses flying in a hundred different direction.

"Because I see no happiness in me." She whispered, defeated.

"Thats because you have been looking into your murky past" He lifted His pierced hands and the broken goblet joined together as one, as if it was never broken before.

Inside, the liquid was no longer dirty but crystal clear.

"Forgive yourself. I will never leave you."

Her tears dripped into the goblet.

"Let me love you." His voice was barely a whisper, but His love has overtaken her.

Let go

2006-03-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

We made lists today in church.

Lists of past pain, hurt, bitterness. Things that we want no longer.

My list was long.

As I stood in front of the waste paper backet, I shredded the paper into pieces.

The action was symbolic.

The pain was embedded so deep within, it cuts so deeply.

"Let it go my child, You can't hold My hand when your's are full."

Gentle Kisses

2006-03-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

I stare at my hands,
My sins are like scarlet
I tried, I really did
But I just cannot keep my hands clean.

I run my hands down my disfigurements
Each scar, each pain, each imperfection
tears, rejection, fear, anger.
infect my body, my soul

I was never whole.
and never will be.

It hurts so much
to be the bearer of such pain
Yet it hurts even more
when normalcy is expected.

My soul was from the very pits.
Birthed from rejection
brought up with tears.
Blinded with pain.

But You, Jesus
Creator of heaven and earth.
The Name above all names
The King of all Kings.

Notice my suffering
even in my mother's womb
Saw the hold of sin upon my life
Noticed the first fallen tear.

And You, You came
from Your throne in heaven
You came running for me
me in my sorrows and filthiness.

You kiss away
all the hurt and pain
You broke the walls
and came close to me.

In Your grace
You extended Your acceptance
In Your mercy
You washed me clean.

In the stripes You bore
I saw my healing.
In Your eyes
I saw, Lord I saw that You understood

In Your scarred hands
I saw my sins taken away.
In Your heart,
I saw that you loved me.

Just the way I am.

Embracing me
overtaking me
wanting me
Loving me

As my heart heals
I bear the seal of Your presence
My life will turn to magnify You.
My soul will dance and sing in joy.

And I will love You,
With abandonment.
My Jesus
body, soul and spirit.

I know You are watching over me
I am in Your arms.
Always have been.
Always will be.

*jottings*

"My child, I accept you. Run to Me."

"You gently kiss my brow, and whisper it's alright."

Withdrawal Syndrom

2006-03-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

I have been withdrawing.

From everything, from people, from myself, and sometimes even from God.

the first blow was unexpected as it was painful, the second one left me in shock, the third one caused me to recoil, the fourth once made me build walls to block out the outside world, the fifth one made me so numb with pain.

and they just keep coming. The blows.

I started to be defensive, I started to withdraw. I feel so inable and uncapable to carry out relationships truthfully, bitterness pepper and polute my thoughts and action, the past mingled with the present came crashing at me at full force.

Better if I stay alone and distant forever.

But God in His goodness had mercy on me. As He wordlessly yet powerfully menifested His being into the people that I meet, into the things that I see.

Do I not know God? Have I forgotten all He is?

That His love and promises are forever.

Whom else should I cling on in this world then Him, because tho my world crumbles to pieces and I have nothing left inside, He is the one thing that I will always have.

Curse my feeble mouth and thoughts, which brings shame to His name and dismisses His promises.

May my heart learn to say that I bless His name, through valleys and moutain tops, despite what happens and what I see. they do not dictate who God is.

May my soul magnify Him.

Somehow.

2006-03-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

Somehow God just works His way into your heart when you least expected, but need it the most.

I remember today standing back stage, fussing about everyone's position and costumes and making sure that every detail was taken care of.

I remember that night where I stared at the unfinished script for a long long time, wondering what and how in the world am i going to finish it.

I remember God placing His hands on mine and started typing.

It's been so long.

I remember the calling that He has ordained for me, and the road in front of me seems so intimidating, I took a deep breath and started to walk and I have fallen down so manytimes. And yet God is still there.

It's been so long.

Kisses on my forehead, that fierce hug, the firm leading.

God is not just God, He is my creator, my Father, my Lover.

Patience, as He waited years for me to come running to Him.
Grace, as He accepts me without condition.
Hope, as He speaks into my soul and being.

It's been so long.

"As you have staged the performance, I have staged your life, you might not see it now, but I am at work. Don't you know me? I love you my child. Trust that I will give you my very best. Your past is meant for me to use, Your suffering is staged for my glory. And there is hope in me, no one can take that away from you. I have sealed you. So rest in me and let me lead."

Father, I'll run to you always.

ICU

2006-03-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

The paramedics rolls in a bleeding mass that once was a human being, blood was even on thier uniforms as they painstakingly lifted her on the operating table.

Her body was twisted in such an awkward direction, sores and bruises coloured her limbs, she was barely breathing. Her eyes, wide open was strangely empty, she did not even flince when her tattered clothes were cut apart with a pair of surgical scissors, or when the nurses inserted needles and devices on her to track her vital signs.

She was sixteen and yet had a body like a ten year old child, severe malnutrition was evident from the visible ribcage than strains against her body. They shook thier heads and could not begin to imagine what the girl when through in her young life.

"She was picked up at the state intersection after the authorities was alerted that they saw her crawling on the road, she looks severly beaten and starved when we reached her..."

The doctor frowned as he listens to the paremedic's report, his nimble fingers working gently on the girl's body to check for broken bones or tell tale signs of internal bleeding.

The eerie feeling he felt when he first saw her state was confirmed when he touched a tender bum at the base of her skull and saw the clear fluid flowing out of her ears.

"Secure her neck and send her to the X-ray room, i am suspecting multiple skull fracture, this girl has been trough hell and God knows where else, schedule an emergency operation now!" He hollered his orders.

"Everything is going to be fine, okay?" He leaned down close to her head, not sure if she could hear him, as the nurses fastened the cervical collar, " you're safe now and we are going to fix you."

He saw a tear slid down her scarred cheek and knew that she heard him.

Whoever betrayed her trust did this to her, and he knew that he had to fix her, because he had promised her.

"Get some scrubs ready for me and her aneastesized, I'll be in the OR in ten minutes" he said as he retreated to his office to say a short prayer.

To ask the Great Physician to heal her.